[The following is written during a time of great depression of being blinded by logics, failure, sin, and sadness of lost loved ones. I, John, was so determined to not feel what I was going through again, that I wrote a letter to myself warning me. This is a sincere letter from the present me (at that current time of darkness) to the future me (overcomer of darkness).]
Dear me, Dear Conqueror
I’m speaking to you from one of the dryest places I’ve seen in my life. Take heed to this reminder to never allow yourself to enter this dark desert again if it be up to you. My faith isn’t the strongest, and I get angry at the place I’m in. Questioning God has become repetitive and I’ve even found myself angry at him. I feel useless. My safe place is an image of me being the unknown, In the darkest corner of this world completely forgotten of. My love ones see the place that I’m In and because they care say things like “God will never leave you nor forsake you.” And even though this is a promise i usually can stand firm on no matter what, it doesn’t penetrate. I feel I’m in too deep. Motivation of His word is pure but this darkness persuades the truth to make it a cliche of a “Caring world”, so my thoughts reject it immediately like a forwarded chain message. I’m desperate for answers yelling at God while drowning in tears “You have to pull me through!”It’s just no use. I’m at a place confused of which path to take. Should I Keep striving for a “dream” that I believe Im spiritually equipped for or take the more logical approach & strive for the “Success” measured by this world? It seems people applaud me when sharing the more logical goals but discretely gives insincere flattery when boldly unveiling my true desires for my life. I check myself and wonder. Is it a bit of an overreaction when I notice what i recognize as flattery, or is this purely a lack of confidence I have in myself to attain these desires?
I can remember the intimacy in Christ, hearing his voice and walking hand in hand with him daily in peace, feelings of what I believe was the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart as I slept, visions he would pour into me in another realm and intuitively speaking to my soul. There is no greater feeling… But this?! This is nothing like the precious voice of God. I yearn for the intimacy we had. I feel alone in my trial and that he doesn’t love me nor hear me. If I don’t quickly recognize and have faith that I was built for this path and no one could do it better, I don’t know what’s next. I would give almost anything to be who and where you are right now in life…perhaps life itself. And although I’d never take it, I’ve sincerely asked God to. I’m hurting but deep down hope resides.
Im confident in knowing his mercy has finally pulled you from the fire. Whatever you have hold on to it, stay close to God and use his word in every aspect of your life. Keep in mind when your disconnected its a fight to get back. Cherish his voice, abide in his shadow and provoke intimacy. Never take for granted his presence, neither the simplicities of your life. Please don’t come back. I know your curious to know how some could seem content without God being the forehead of their life and still “seem” fine. Well the only thing to know is You need Christ…Personally YOU need Christ to survive. I wanna be where u are right now and theres enough faith now to say i will. Im Confident in this fire allowed being a test to strengthen my character. Emptiness should never be a part of your life again. There is a God in you that’s powerful. Love yourself, forgive yourself even when no one else will. Know that Gods love is everlasting and he doesn’t hold anything over your head. Your special in the eyes of Christ. In the hopes of you overcoming this present moment and reading this I guess he’s proclaimed you MORE than a conqueror. God loves you.
Respectfully You,
John D.
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